Thursday, November 5, 2009

5 months and coming out of the darkness...

WOW, my little boy is 5 months old as of yesterday.

A post from a friend inspired me to tell my story, in hopes that the truth will help someone else. Now I love, love, love my baby. Brody is the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I and I thank God every day to be blessed with such a wonderfully sweet, loving, happy, healthy, and cute little boy. But there were dark days. Yes there were. I would say the first 3 months of his life were the hardest months of mine, and Corey's. Our first 8 days of his life were spend in constant worry about his well being, is he going to be OK? Will his lung function improve? Why can't he eat? Did I do something wrong that caused this? ... I could go on and on. The heartache that we felt leaving the hospital without our little boy in the backseat. I cried all the way home from the hospital. I cried upon entering our house and seeing his bouncy chair all ready for him and his bassinet set up in our bedroom. I cried and then we went into survival mode. Trips to the hospital at least 4 times daily, pumping every two hours on top of that for me, very little sleep, we just could not wait to have him home.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

When we got him home it was the best feeling in the world. The best. But then came the fear - the fear of being a new mom and the "Oh my God, what now?" feeling setting in. Not knowing what to do if he was fed, clean, dry, warm... and he still cried. The exhaustion, it's unreal. And while you love your baby, you may wonder : What the heck did we get ourselves into.

My husband was a great help, but I was breastfeeding, not so much that he could do during the 12am, 2am, 5am, 7am feedings. With the incredible joy of having a baby, the incredible life change takes a toll on you body and mind. I don't have many friends with children. I would hear about them going out and having fun and I would, in the back of my mind, be jealous, for those days of my life, so far gone now, it seemed.

I fought more with Corey in those three months than I think we ever had. He said I changed, I was so serious, no fun, and he even called me mean. Ouch. Yes, I changed, I had to, I was a mother now. In the end, he apologized, told me it was not fair to call me mean, for the simple fact that he was sad. He was no longer my # 1 priority in life.

But you know what combats the fear, the anxiety, the exhaustion -

- a warm baby asleep on your chest
- the smell of a newborn
- the feeling you get the first time your go to get your baby out of the crib and he smiles at you
- baby giggles....

I think somewhere around the end of the third month, I came out of the exhausted funk I had been in. Corey did too. Brody was laughing with us. Smiling at us. Cooing, giggling, talking.... He was just so much fun. And so loving!

Those first three months are so hard. But don't be afraid to speak what you are feeling. Weather it be to your husband, your closest girlfriend, your mom, or to a great group of girls called GP mamas... tell it like it is. Don't sugarcoat it. You'll help someone else feel like their OK. Like they ARE a great mother and they are doing all they can to be the best mom to their child. Being a mother is the hardest job you will ever love. That's the plain and simple truth.


Becky said...

YUP I KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT, 100%. I too never fight with my husband like i do these days. being a first time mom is the hardest thing i have ever done!! My husband works 55 hours a week and has trouble sleeping so he's almost no help at night, it's tough! In the end it's worth it, i love my little guy, but i think im' only having one baby, i dont' think i can go through another first few months again! Luckily the first 2months were the hardest, not teh first 3, but man oh man i need a vacation, bad!!!!

Rsgrl said...

Thanks for being honest, Lea! Smooches.

Unknown said...

I'm loving the honesty. Those first 3 months were the pits. Some of the worst moments I've ever faced. So nice to know I wasn't alone. Hugs!

Ethel Edith said...

I totally know what you mean Leanne! It's so hard on the hubs! Jade & I were the same way. Now that my two are getting bigger it is getting much easier. Jade and I are a team again & I can make Jade my #1. I have to remember that he has to be my #1 so we continue a strong marriage for our children. It's VERY hard to do, but I'm learning still - even though I backslide often :) I have to remind Jade though that he can take care of himself - where the kids can't :) Thanks for sharing!